The Verbally Abusive Man Can He Change?

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Abused women blame themselves for a lot of things. That is the inevitable consequence of domestic violence. In this article we shall focus on just one aspect of domestic violence; that is mental, aroused abuse. Usually, the things that women who have suffered domestic violence blame themselves for fall into one of two categories: the things that are not their fault, and the things that are not important in the outstanding system of things.

Things that are not their fault include:

Making a mess of person situations. Their partners’ outburst are always, somehow, their fault.
Spoiling the relationship. (In reality they are the ones who undertake to hold it together.)
Being stupid. (They aren’t – though they will honour the adverse choice to love a man who is not worthy of them.)
Being too old, or too young. (They are the age they are. It takes a particular kind of moron to turn around one day and say to someone of 21, or 41, or 71, that they are of a sudden unacceptable
Being ugly. (Living a life of ugliness is sufficient to make anybody feel ugly; but the ugliness lies in the eyes of the abusive man, not his partner.)
Not being good enough. (Good sufficient for whom, for Heaven’s sake? And how did that happen? Did the abusive man make a mistake in selecting his woman in the original place? Or does he operate a sliding scale?)
Being failures as women. (It’s what they are told. What it means is that they are not the perfective cross amongst a slave and a supermodel. Not that their collaborator is a dead ringer for George Clooney! But that doesn’t count.)

Things that are not indispensable include:

Their weight. (It is utterly possible to be overweight, underweight or the perfective weight and be loved. Just not by an abusive man, because they make an art form of finding fault with everything with regards to you.)
Their past mistakes. (They are in the past, after all. Fortunately, abusive men recognise they will never be judged on their pas mistakes.)
Their education.
Their family – because an abusive woman is not responsible for her family of origin.

The faults that mistreated women make have not one thing to do with the alleged crimes for which their collaborators reproach them. These errors are errors of judgement that mistreated women make unconsciously, which cause them enormous suffering.

The 7 mistakes

1) Turning a blind eye to his firstborn unacceptable temper tantrums. You say that you do that because you love him. He interprets your acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, you have given him clear proof that you area doormat.

2) Trying over and over again to make the abusive kinship work. When an abusive collaborator has told you, either in words or actions, 3, or 4, or 5 times, that he does not value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is supplying you his mission statement. Time to head for the hills.

3) Making excuses for him. Why would feel obliged to improve his behaviour when you are more than willing to pardon him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to carry on behaving as badly, or worse, than he has done in the past.

4) Feeling responsible for him. The time comes when you say; “I’ve had enough. It’s over.” He’s foreseen that day, and he’s ready. He turns on the crocodile tears. He tells you that he can’t live without you. It’s taken this for him to discover how much he loves you. From now on, he will be a good boy. But he does need you to aid him. You agree, and he’s back on track. Once again, he has got you to carry him. Will he change? No.

5) Minimizing. He behaves like a heel, and you know it. But you tell yourself: “He had a difficult childhood.” “He’s had a hard time at work – or being out of work.” “It’s just the drink talking.” Bad behaviour is still bad behaviour. He has no right to dump on you – until you let him.

6) Covering up. Your kinship is ghastly. But you don’t want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That’s collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because it will all stay behind closed doors. In fact, while you are playing Loyal Little Woman, he may be out propagating poison when it comes to you. If you modify your tune, who do you think will be believed?

7) Believing in fairy tales. Of course, you don’t consciously believe in fairy tales: you are a grown woman not a little girl, after all. But, unconsciously, you’re still stuck acting out Beauty and the Beast. I don’t know whether you met the Handsome Prince, or the Beast, basi off. I do recognise who you are living with. Every last petal has dropped off that rose, the only time the crockery and cutlery dance is when he gets angry, and the Beast is still a Beast. That’s all he will ever be. Time to get real. And, if galore other naïve woman, wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key divergence to bear in mind: in the real world, when you original get together with someone, they are on their best behaviour, they wear their most beautiful mask. With abusers it is all one way from there: downhill. The behaviour degenerates, the mask drops, the result is a whole load of misery for you. Period.

The real faults that women make in abusive relationships have not one thing to do with errors or inadequacies. They are all when it comes to being too more than willing to carry on believing the best of an individual who is attempting very hard to show you just what a jerk he is. Abusive men don’t give you too a good deal of gifts. Showing you just how unpleasing and callous they may be is the best gift you may have in a lousy situation. Accept it graciously, before your abusive collaborator keeps slamming it into your face. And move on.

One thing they never tell you in fairy stories is that the gorgeous maiden doesn’t genuinely need a man to be happy. She just thinks she does. But when she learns to be veritably happy by herself, and for herself, she will attract a much better class of man than a Beast/Prince.